Hi my name is Rachal and I AM a sober alcoholic. I’m here to share with you my experience, strength, and hope. The only reason I’m able to be on this side of the screen is because I was able to have a spiritual awakening and because of that it is my duty to share my story.
Now let’s start at the beginning… growing up I had endured mental, physical, and sexual abuse. I bottled everything up because I didn’t know how to tell anyone what I had been through. I had my first drink at 12 years old; Malibu rum. It was at that moment I realized that I loved alcohol. It made me feel relaxed. After all that I went through growing up I finally found something that made everything seem so small; I deserved those drinks. After that day I started taking water bottles of Malibu to school. Growing up I thought I was hiding it well until I was at school and my teacher told me “you’re messed up go home”. I also thought my dad didn’t know about my drinking; however when I became an adult I asked him and he said “I knew I just didn’t care because I was drinking too”. My drinking got worse as the years went on and vodka became my choice of alcohol. I once promised myself “I’m never going to drink like my father”, well that was short lived… I now NEEDED to drink. Anytime I did anything I had to be drunk; I couldn’t fathom doing daily activities without drinking but that came with its own problems. I got kicked out of college for a semester, ruined relationships, crashed my car, was homeless, spent most nights praying over the toilet, and wondering how I got home when I woke up.
I never thought I had a problem but I would tell myself I was going to slow down. The Big Book pg.30 says “The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.” I thought I could control how much I drank. I’d only drink certain days, certain drinks, certain times but I couldn’t slow down no matter what but I also deep down didn’t want to slow down. Many people told me I needed to stop, so many people told me I had a problem, doctors were telling me that I wouldn’t make it long if I kept going like this but that didn’t stop me.
One day of many times I was going to kill myself I no longer wanted to go on this way so I went to church. That day Jan 19 a lady from my church who didn’t even know me told me I needed to stop drinking and give it all to God; how did she know I was struggling!? I told her that I am not going to get sober because I don’t want to and I don’t like people telling me what to do, especially someone who doesn’t even know me. That week on Jan 23 I called my preacher and told him I was ready to stop. I was told to reach out to a hotline or go onto the interweb. I had no clue what I was doing so I texted the hotline, they introduced me to AA which is something I never knew about. That night (although I was drunk) I went to my first online AA meeting.
First going into AA I didn’t think I was going to actually get sober. I couldn’t figure out why everyone seemed so happy.. I didn’t get why everyone was introducing themselves as an alcoholic as ‘I was not an alcoholic’. I questioned if I was in the right place. My first in-person meeting, everyone was so welcoming and made me “a part of the herd”. Everyone there shared with me as a newcomer and it was then that I realized these people knew me and understood me. It was also then when I realized I too am an alcoholic just like these people. I got a sponsor and started reading the Big Book once a week. That was the only time I touched my Big Book. I later learned “the Big Book is a textbook and textbooks are meant to be studied”.
Unfortunately relapse is a part of my story. I made it to 43 days sober before I relapsed. This is a result of not working the steps. I allowed the devil to persuade me into drinking. I didn’t want to drink but I didn’t think I had a choice. That’s why it is crucial to work the steps quickly yet thoroughly.
While I was out I drank more than I had ever drank. I called out of work for two weeks because I’d rather be drunk than to go to work. I became increasingly depressed and tried to end my life multiple times. I hid how much I was drinking from the family. I was drinking half gallons of vodka a day with beer in between drinks. My dad never said anything at the time and he let me do what I wanted to do… until he found out how much I was actually drinking and he confronted me about it. My dad would tell me “you smell like your grandfather” which is something no female would like to hear. I kept buying “one last bottle” daily and during this time I still periodically would attend online AA meetings. I found this online AA meeting one morning and I jumped into their meeting. That morning I broke down crying, talking to someone from there, and telling him how I so badly wanted to stop but couldn’t. He told me “keep coming back”. So that’s what I did for 4 days. I kept going back sharing ‘I have 8 hours sober’ then immediately would start drinking after I shared; next day do the same thing for 4 days straight. I fought so hard to get sober but I kept buying that “last bottle”.
Finally after that 4th day by the grace of God I came back and was able to celebrate 24 hours; I stopped drinking April 29th. April 29th is such a significant day for me. It’s my brother’s birthday who passed away while I was a little girl.. he struggled with addiction and he ended up taking his own life. I believe that God allowed me to get sober on this day on purpose; it’s funny how God works. He knew I needed this day to be my sobriety date. I am honoring my brother by getting sober. I found myself another sponsor on day 22 (May 20th) and expected to work the steps. That yet again failed… I stayed on step 1 for multiple weeks due to lack of time. At this point I didn’t feel like I deserved sobriety… I questioned the power of God because why couldn’t I get sober like these people around me.
The Big Book pg. 52 says “When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God, our ideas did not work. But the God idea did.”
June 9th Day 41 this time around I was going to give it all away… that morning I sat in the gas station parking lot about to go in to get a few drinks, instead I drove home and immediately called some sober friends which helped me get through the day. That night I couldn’t deal with my home circumstances so I was driving around looking for a liquor store to be open.
Now here comes the miracle! A sober friend had called me and talked to me as I was looking for that liquor store. At the end of our conversation she asked “so are you ready to work the first 3 steps?”. I was hesitant at first. However, that night I worked the first 3 steps. Admitting I was powerless over alcohol that my life had become unmanageable, believing there is a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity, and turning my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him was so wholesome; something I’ll never forget! Speaking the third step prayer into existence made everything seem so real. I didn’t feel like I was drowning anymore. I fell in love with the Third Step Prayer and it made me closer with God so I’ll share it with you here; “God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always.”
Any time I am struggling I now pray this prayer.
June 10th at 2:45am I asked that same sober friend who worked the first 3 steps with me to be my sponsor and when can I start Step 4 (make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves). That day I received a new sponsor and I worked tirelessly, effectively, and thoroughly on my step 4. Asking her to be my sponsor that night saved my life. I knew if I went back out that night I wouldn’t have made it back. Alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful but God is by all means more powerful if you allow him to be.
Many people would describe working step 4 as “scary” but I’m here to tell you it was nothing but FREEING! I never knew putting my resentments on paper would mean so much. There’s things that were brought up that I had thought I forgot about. You want to know what was even more freeing; although tiring; step 5 (admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs). That alone took the weight I’ve been carrying for 20 years off my shoulders.
At the end of step 5 you are to spend 1 hour alone with God. It was during that moment I got to experience this “spiritual awakening” everyone was talking about and I so desperately waited for. It’s something that I cannot explain to the full effect. Everyone’s spiritual awakening is different but for me I got to hear God talk to me and him tell me what he wants for me. I got chills throughout my whole body and broke down crying pleading to God to allow me to forgive those who have hurt me, allow me to make amends to those I’ve hurt, allow me to give my fears to him, ask him to restore me to sanity, ask him to remove my shortcomings, and allow him to take the obsession of alcohol from me. I gave myself to God! I no longer have the obsession to drink! I’m able to handle situations which used to baffle me!
Working through Step 9 has been a freeing step as well. Being able to take my wrongs I have done to others and make amends to them all has too been freeing! In my opinion everything about this program is so freeing! This program was founded in 1935 by a couple of drunks and here we are a couple of drunks in 2025 STILL WORKING THE SAME PROGRAM! It does really work if you work it and it too can be freeing if you work it as the Big Book lays it out for us.
The rest is history! I am now living as God would want me to. Life has been so much more manageable since working the steps and turning my life over to the care of God. Yes there’s still going to be struggles but as the big book says that’s when you are to drop to your knees, give it to God, call a sober friend, and then go out and help another alcoholic. We are to live and breathe in God’s will; our sobriety depends on it.
My main focus in my life is to maintain sobriety and spiritual fitness. Which I can do by praying/meditating, reading the Big Book, living through Steps 10-12, talking to my sponsor, and helping other alcoholics. You too can experience a new life if you work these steps and apply them to your everyday life. You are worthy of recovery; we DO recover.
I’ll leave you with this… “Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends—this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.” BB pg. 89
Rachal
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